Perfect with all of our imperfections!

My Story...started back in 2010.  At the time I turned 40, life was not perfect or great.  Life was ok I suppose.  The small business I had was on its last legs as it has been from day 1, if I was to be honest about it.  I had a part time gig doing security and I was contemplating what am I suppose to do next? 

I didn’t know that the universe had a total revamp planned for my life.  The way I figured it now, if I was not going to become an active participant in my life and deliver on the purpose that I was suppose to deliver in this life time...I was going to be shown.  It wasn’t the easy way but rather the other way. Life lesson #65 -  if you don’t act, something or someone else will.

I forgot to read the manual of Life Lessons...

I was stuck.  At the age of 40 I found myself questioning what am I suppose to do now?  My dreams from 20 years ago have nothing but evaporated, I lost myself in hospitality by giving so much that I burned myself out.  Funny thing about crashing and burning, you get reacquainted with the real self – the one that’s dying to come out!

In true literary fashion the old person had to die in order for the new one to emerge.  But before that would happen things would have to get much worse before they got any better.  Prior to the official diagnosis in February 2011, while sitting on the couch with my sister (who has been my source of strength) I burst out in wild tears and said that I am ready to end it all. 

I just don’t want to be here anymore.

It hurts so much.  I did not fit (think about it  I never actually did).

I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel and I was tired of trying.

In retrospect, I was crying tears of desperation because I was tired of being who I thought I wanted to be and I also did not know that my Thyroid stopped functioning.  Stopping smoking in November 2010 finally unleashed something that was dormant.  You can suppress something but when its time, you will be reminded of that!

The beginning of the struggle to maintain sanity and togetherness was like going to war. I battled with GP’s that had limited knowledge; I was still in denial about many parts of myself that had to change and were changing.  For instance I would have random days that I wanted to admit myself to a ward because I could not cope. I convinced myself that I was “mental”!

Medication was slow to work and then the dose had to be adjusted. My hormones were splattered like the balls on a snooker table when you break the formation to start the game.  My digestive issues got worse. That was on a physical level.  Financially I was a bit screwed because of the shop and my second attempt at a holistic business.  My support network was still limited. 

But most of all – I was hiding from the world because I didn’t want it to know what I was going through.

I’m a private introvert with the random extrovert tendencies.  Showing up as keeping it together was so hard, it was easier to just not show up.  Of course that can last so long – not very long actually.

I think there is something in all of us that even when faith is challenged, the rage is so overwhelming, the feeling of hopelessness is driving the bus, something keeps us going.  I believe its TRUST.  How else can you justify the process?  It’s like seeing the Tower card in the Tarot with the Death card nearby, and you say to yourself OK WTF all this suppose to mean???

If there was a massive lesson I take from this experience (and there were many), it’s that Death and Rebirth are a normal continuous process in life.  We need to change in order to recreate and rebuild.  The best example I can give is bush fires.  Although can be destructive in nature, they create the basis for new life to begin.  Trees such as Lodgepole pine, Eucalyptus, and Banksia require fire to germinate.

Same applies to humans (without the burning of course).

So if there’s something to learn here.  We need to Trust that things will unfold as they need to unfold, and in the process we need to Accept the process. We humans are very sturdy units, and we tend to rise in times of personal or international crisis when it comes to other people.  So why are we so hard on ourselves?? We honestly need to stop doing that.

We are perfect with all of our imperfections!

Many Blessings till next time

Miss B